Not words, not music or rhyme I want --

Simple.

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 03:36:37 GMT

Sonnet XVII: Love

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

-- Pablo Neruda

Sun, 01 Feb 2009 23:16:45 GMT

Tired of having health issues this semester.

It's just one thing after another. I begin to wonder if perhaps even the nurses think I'm crazy. I know I shouldn't feel like this, but there are people in my life that have made me ashamed of having health problems, and so...

I just don't know what's left to do. I kind of just want to withdraw from school and go home for a while until I'm not so fucking ill, or at least not feeling it, my dis-ease interfering, all the time.

le sigh.

Compassion

Sat, 31 Jan 2009 22:30:50 GMT

Compassion is not religious business, it is human business, it is not luxury, it is essential for our own peace and mental stability, it is essential for human survival

- Dalai Lama

Clean room.

Sat, 31 Jan 2009 20:21:17 GMT

My room is clean and it pleases me immensely.

I wish the rest of the apartment would just clean itself. I had a party last night and now the kitchen looks like it exploded.

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 19:49:50 GMT

Mother, I made it up from the bruise on the floor of this prison.
Mother, I lost it, all of the fear of the Lord I was given.
Mother, forget me, now that the creek drank the cradle you sang to.
Mother, forgive me, I sold your car for the shoes that I gave you.

So may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten;
Sons can be birds taken broken up to the mountain.

- "Upwards Over the Mountain," Iron and Wine (Creek Drank the Cradle)

Sorry for the stream-of-consciousness emotional vomit that is to follow.

What is it about mothers and their ability to destroy their children, single-handedly, without any thought about it?

I forgot to bring back a nice skirt to wear for juries. I wrote it down in my planner, but I didn't check my planner while I was home over the break, who knows why. I guess I just didn't feel like checking it. I guess that's my fault for not worrying about my school work while I was on vacation. I know I should worry about it more. I guess I should.

I called my mother this morning to ask her if she would go look in my closet and see if I had anything to wear. I didn't know why I called. Moms usually have good solutions, answers for their kids when things go wrong. Mom usually helps me out, mails me things. I appreciate that, I am indebted to her for that.

She told me I had some black skirts she could send. I suppose I was a little wishy-washy and difficult, because I didn't know which skirt would be most appropriate, in a bit of a panic, but I didn't think I was being beligerent. (I don't know how to spell that word.)

She asked me why I didn't think of this when I was home, why I didn't get them while I was here, don't I think about these things? The usual. I got a little angry. I shouldn't have raised my voice, but I did.

I told her that I tried my best. I wrote it down in my planner so that I would remember. (She has been telling me for five years "Write things down". I suppose I hoped this would pacify her. It did not.) I just didn't check my planner, I don't know why. But I do try. I am trying.

No, you aren't, she said.

I didn't hear anything after that because I hung up.

I emailed her to apologize for hanging up. I reiterated my prior points. I am hard enough on myself without anyone else adding to it, I said. I could ask someone to take me to the mall this weekend. If it was enough of an inconvenience for her that she felt compelled to lecture me, I would be happy to spare her that and get it myself. (I can get by.)

She emailed me back, and said that she wasn't angry, but that listening to her rant was my penance for her inconvenience.

I am not sure that she realizes what she's doing when she does that. Perhaps she really does believe that I just don't care enough to make an effort about these things. Perhaps she really does believe that when bad things happen, I just expect other people to clean up after me and to float on by.

What do I tell her? That I didn't go to my afternoon classes today because after I started crying in the girl's bathroom, I couldn't stop? That when I left my phone charger in that hotel room, I was so lucky that V was here because otherwise I would have just destroyed myself like I always do? That when I misplaced my folder of music because I had been practicing on Monday, I cried through 30 minutes of my voice lesson on Tuesday? That the last time I lost an ID card, I fought the urge to self-injure all day and didn't take a bath that night because I was truly afraid that I wouldn't be able to keep from drowning myself in the dark?

I wouldn't do this to myself if I could avoid it. I know some of that must seem like an overreaction to most of you, but you have to understand that I have been losing and misplacing things my entire life. I have been deemed irresponsible by more people than I can even begin to say. And everything that I have lost, misplaced, inadvertently kept when I borrowed, haunts me. Those materials I never mailed back to RM, that I didn't vote because I didn't send off for my ballot in time, the $200 in fraternity fees I owe, the $5 in library fees and the $20 I meant to give to Josh yesterday for driving me back to school. The four German tests I have yet to make up, the countless things I've forgotten to study for, every bad grade. Every rehearsal I forgot, every time I was late, every absence because I didn't do my homework.

I don't think she has any idea. I know she has good intentions. She wants me to be reliable. What do I say? "By the way, Mom, my AD/HD makes me suicidal. Thanks for caring."

Or does she just lecture me because it makes her feel better? Because it makes her feel like she's done her job as a mother? Because maybe if she just preaches and prays enough it will repair my dysfunctional brain and she won't be inconvenienced with it any more?
I don't believe that she would be that selfish.

V handles it all so well. He tells me it's okay, he starts looking for solutions, he provides comfort and forgiveness, he tries not to let me suffer needlessly. He assures me that we will find answers.
I wish I could just go to him and have things taken care of. To be taken care of myself. So that I am not indebted to my mother for all the times she has begrudgingly taken it upon herself to 'bail me out'.

Even though I don't need bailing out, because I haven't done anything wrong.

I know that even if V and I get married and I work through grad school and don't go back to my mother during times like this, I will still be in her debt. She gave me my life. She nearly died when I was born, she fought to keep me living. She's kept me in clothes, food, shelter, and care all my life. I am grateful for all that she has done, but right now I am angry that I will never be able to shake the power she has over me, because I will always feel that I owe her something for all that she's given me.

That, I guess, is why mothers are so good at being destructive. I bet the pup don't even dare to complain when dogs eat their young.

- A

Oh... Wow.

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 20:23:18 GMT

I'm a really good singer.

Update!

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 00:34:26 GMT

I don't really have anything to post about, but we were all talking about LiveJournal tonight, so I thought I would write something in this dusty journal...

I'm pretty happy, on the whole. A little behind in German, but my other classes are going well. I am not too stressed out this semester. My boyfriend is helping me to stay on top of things by helping me establish and reach little goals -- keeping my dishes cleaned up, studying German for an hour each day, and so on. Small things that I think I can handle. It helps to have specific things to focus on, one at a time, so I can establish good habits instead of being overwhelmed by all there is to do.

I just have to remember to take things one day, one hour, one moment at a time.

It was good to go out with friends for a little while tonight. I don't usually connect well with other girls, so... I really value my female friendships, even if I have a hard time knowing how to maintain them.

I have a real need to be loved and well-liked. It is pretty lame to be a person who truly needs to be liked, but know that so many people don't really like you. Or at least, not enough to hang out on Saturday.
Lots of people who will say 'hi' in the hallway. Even some people who will stop to chat. Nobody calls, though. I think the only time my phone rings is if my mom needs to tell me something...

How depressing!

It doesn't really sadden me until I go out with people and remember how much I miss loving and being loved by friends. I am not really the clingy type, which might make some people think I don't care... I definitely do.

This is not a beg for sympathy or friend-time. Just making observations. I am not sure why I have a hard time hanging out with people or being friends -- maybe I just need to be more outgoing? Invite people over or something? Throw a party...?
I really don't know how people do that.

Oh well. I hope my boyfriend will come to see me soon.

-A

Less stuff

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 16:39:01 GMT

I am making an effort to un-clutter myself somewhat. I have just gone through my closet and pared down my personal articles of "wearable" clothing (meaning I am excluding things like costumes, formal dresses, and commemorative t-shirts which I must keep for various reasons) to about 50 items. Very difficult.

But I feel like I am making headway. I plan to go shopping this weekend and pick up a single black jacket to replace several black jackets in my wardrobe. Then I am going to try to find a brown blazer to replace two other brown outerwear items (a hoodie and a blazer I never wear). Small steps, but it's something. A little closer to having LESS STUFF.

I am still on the look out for jeans and long skirts. I am sure that I will have to go through this list again and get rid of other clothes that I don't really "need".

After I finish in my closet, I think I am going to try to tackle my sock and underwear/pj drawer. I am a confessed lingerie-and-sock-a-holic, so that'll be especially difficult. At least I think I will be able to get rid of things with holes...

I have been making a list of what I have on notebook paper. Somehow, that helps me to get rid of things. "Do I want to mark this one down? No, I never wear it. What about this one? No, it doesn't fit. I WILL write down this thing, though." For some reason, having to mark it down on paper makes it easier to judge the item's actual worth to me.

Next I think I will go through my jewelry and see if I can consolidate it some. I have a lot of earrings and various shiny trappings that I never wear. I keep them by telling myself "I might want it someday for a costume or a weird outfit", but I have had them for years and haven't done that so far.

This has been surprisingly difficult. I hadn't realized I was so attached to my stuff. I am honestly panicking a little bit at the thought of eliminating so many items. That stuff cost MONEY and I've had it for SO LONG -- but it's usefulness is limited or eliminated. Sad, but true.

Any thoughts?

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 00:23:38 GMT

Images and comments behind the cut.

My favourite thing here is the purple mandarin-collar top. The top with the bow around the collar would be really great for layering, and I think it's made of a jersey knit, so it would be lightweight and stretchy. The corset-style top doesn't seem to be very snug-fitting, so if you want a close fit you may have to have it altered, or perhaps order a size down? Again, these are all junior sizes, so they run smaller than misses'. Several of the tops on this website are available in XL sizes, though.

Here, the top that I have indicated as having 'many styles' really is an interesting piece. There are about six-or-so variations of fabric options on the website, all of which have a slightly different feel to them. Also available in solid white and black. I selected the navy stripe because I thought it showed off the bib most clearly.
I wasn't sure about the tube-style top with the buttons, but thought someone else might see potential for it. If nothing else it might make an interesting layering piece.
I own a large belt like the black one shown here, and when it's worn high on the waist, it makes a lady's figure shine!

Several odd/interesting items from Moda Xpress here -- the two denim-like corset-style tops in particular caught my eye, and I thought they definitely were a little more towards the punk side of steampunk, which I would like to see more of. Most of these items are just Neo-Victorian, but I think the strapless denim-like corset in particular could jazz up an outfit.
The black-and-white twofer top from Rue21 is one that I have been lusting after for ages.
The bottom row of button-down shirts are for the young gentlemen, and again are a little more 'punk'. With the right steamy outfit, though, I think they'd really spice things up. If you don't like the designs here, buy your own button-down and screen on some tentacles or cogs or circuitboards or something else appropriate to your dream steam environment.
Last, a couple of cute accessories from Target.com

Sorry I don't have individual links to all the items -- I thought you'd all just like a heads up. Many of these items are available in other colours than those I selected here.

Happy hunting!

Puppy

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 16:54:27 GMT

I is puppy-sitting. He is extremely cute. ^^

Sun, 04 May 2008 21:55:14 GMT

And am I born to die?
To lay this body down!
And must my trembling spirit fly
Into a world unknown?

A land of deepest shade,
Unpierced by human thought;
The dreary regions of the dead,
Where all things are forgot.

Soon as from earth I go,
What will become of me?
Eternal happiness or woe
Must then my portion be.

Waked by the trumpet sound,
I from my grave shall rise;
And see the Judge with glory crowned,
And see the flaming skies!

- The Sacred Harp, 47b Idumea; Words by Charles Wesley, tune by Ananias Davisson

I am a great complainer
That bears the name of Christ;
Come, all ye Zion mourners,
And listen to my cries;
I’ve many sore temptations
And sorrows to my soul;
I feel my faith declining,
And my affections cold.

I wish it was with me now
As in the days of old,
The glorious light of Jesus
Was flowing in my soul,
But now I am distressed,
And no more relief can find,
A hard, deceitful heart
And a wretched, wand’ring mind.

It is great pride and passion
Beset me on my way,
So I am filled with folly
And so neglect to pray;
I am so weak I stumble,
And so I’m left behind,
While others run rejoicing
And seem to lose no time.
- The Sacred Harp, 141 Complainer; Words unknown, tune by William Walker

Hark! How the gospel trumpet sounds!
Through all the world the echo bounds;
And Jesus by redeeming blood
Is bringing sinners home to God
And guides them safely by His word
To endless day.

Thy blood, dear Jesus, once was spilt
To save our souls from sin and guilt,
And sinners now may come to God
And find salvation through Thy blood,
And sail by faith upon that flood
To endless day.
- The Sacred Harp, 99 Gospel Trumpet; Words by Charles Cole, tune by E.J. King

Just some songs that spoke to me lately.

New post

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 13:55:21 GMT

New friends-only post. :)

Truth...

Sat, 16 Feb 2008 01:37:25 GMT

First we conceive the "I" and grasp onto it.
Then we conceive the "mine" and cling to the material world.
Like water trapped on the water wheel, we spin in circles, powerless.
I praise the compassion that embraces all beings.
- Chandrakirti

I am continually struggling with the concept of truth. More specifically, the concept of absolute truth in regards to religion.

There are many things right now that are difficult to reconcile with what I have always believed, how I have been raised, my 'gut' reactions to things... I pray for wisdom, but worry that if wisdom finds me, it will contradict my comfortable definition of spirituality.

At the moment, I want to believe certain things -- and at the same time, feel something like a heretic for my own attitudes. I'm at a bit of a stalemate with myself.

Well.

I am a hippie.

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 17:56:46 GMT

http://www.greenhomebuilding.com/index.htm

I think that this is the coolest thing I have seen in a long time.

Also, I think that the solution to my wardrobe/clothing/style anxiety may be found in simplifying my wardrobe, drastically. While I was hunting around on the internet for more resources about Quakerism (I am going through some kind of religious experience; more on that later), I found the Quaker Jane website; the site is maintained by a woman who is a plain-dressing Quaker. By this I mean she dresses in the anachronistic, fully-covered, bonnet-wearing manner that we often associate with the Amish or Mennonites. While not all Quakers observe plain dress, there is precedent for it in history, and I found myself weirdly drawn to this. For some reason, I have always been enchanted by the idea of clothing setting a person apart -- I saw a pair of nuns, dressed all in white, in th bookstore the other day and I was absolutely enchanted. That's the only word I can think of to describe it.

So I may be looking into something like modern plain/modest dress. By my understanding, this is not like what the Amish wear, but more like a pared-down (by which I mean drab) version of the clothing Orthodox Jewish women wear. I found some interesting websites with a lot of beautiful, but simple and well-made clothing for women who were Orthodox Jewish or Islam, things like that...
I will undoubtedly write more about this later, too. In a more cohesive, coherent format.

I've been spending a good bit of time in the chapel lately, thinking and pondering and wondering.

It's strange, but since discovering the Quakers, I feel like so many things have been leading me to this path in life. My anger and pain as a result of mass, organized worship, my fear of rash emotionality, my understanding of wisdom, divinity, and my interest in other religions... It all seems to have found a place here.

As I said, you can anticipate a number of posts from me in the next few days... My experiences of God, my experiences with clothing, my experiences with church services, and just a lot of thoughts in general. I am going through a big period of adjustment and revision right now, and think that journalling will be a beneficial way for me to express myself.

Yup.

Sat, 17 Nov 2007 21:18:23 GMT

We all lead such elaborate lives. Wild ambitions in our sights. How an affair of the heart survives days apart and hurried nights, seems quite unbelievable to me.

I don't want to live like that. I don't want to love like that.

I just want our time to be slower, and gentler. Wiser. Free.

We all live in extravagant times, playing games we can't all win. Unintended emotional crimes take some out, take others in.

[...]

(Too many choices tear us apart. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to love like that.)

I'm so tired of all we're going through, I don't want to live like that. I don't want to love like that.

I just want to be with you. Now, and forever. Peaceful. True.

- "Elaborate Lives" from Aida, lyrics by Tim Rice, music by Elton John.

Locked.

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 20:56:48 GMT

THIS JOURNAL IS NOW FRIENDS-ONLY. Comment to be added! :)

I will wade out.

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 02:08:40 GMT

i will wade out
till my thighs are steeped in burning flowers
I will take the sun into my mouth
and leap into the ripe air
               Alive
                    with closed eyes
to dash against the darkness
in the sleeping curves of my body
Shall enter fingers of smooth mastery
with chasteness of sea-girls
          Will I complete the mystery
              of my flesh
I will rise
After a thousand years
lipping
flowers
And set my teeth in the silver of the moon
-e.e. cummings

Love Affair

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 16:27:42 GMT

There was a love affair in this building.
The kind of love affair
Which every respectable building must keep as a legend,
Slowly festering through an innocent "by the way,"
Or "have you heard".
He was perfect except for the fact that he was an engineer,
And mothers prefer doctors
And lawyers.

Yet despite this imperfection,
He was clean-looking and respectable-looking.
And you'll never find a mother
Who doesn't appreciate a natural man,
So he grew healthy aloe vera plants by the window,
Healthy teeth in his mouth,
Healthy hair on his head.
He grew healthy wavy brown hair on his head:
The kind, the kind that babies always go for
With sticky little fingers.

- "Love Affair" Regina Spektor (11:11)

A voice has even a wider appeal than a fortune.

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 16:12:39 GMT

The Lord knew he would marry her if he could! Marriage would be an incident, not an end with her; he was sure of that. If it were not he, it would be some one else; some one who would be a weight about her neck, probably; who would hold her back and beat her down and divert her from the first plunge for which he felt she was gathering all her energies. He meant to help her, and he could not think of another man who would. He went over his unmarried friends, East and West, and could not think of one who would know what she was driving at -- or care. The clever ones were selfish, and the kindly ones were stupid.

"Damn it, if she's going to fall in love with somebody, it had better be me than any of the others -- of the sort she'd find. Get her tied up with some conceited ass who'd try to make her over, train her like a puppy! Give one of 'em a big nature like that, and he'd be horrified. He wouldn't show his face in the clubs until he'd gone after her and combed her down to conform to some fool idea in his own head -- put there by some other woman, too, his first sweetheart or his grandmother or a maiden aunt. At least, I understand her. I know what she needs, and where she's bound, and I mean to see that she has a fighting chance."

- from The Song of the Lark by Willa Cather

This made me think of him, for reasons that ought to be obvious.