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Feb. 19th, 2009



Sonnet XVII: Love

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

-- Pablo Neruda

Feb. 1st, 2009


(no subject)

Tired of having health issues this semester.

It's just one thing after another. I begin to wonder if perhaps even the nurses think I'm crazy. I know I shouldn't feel like this, but there are people in my life that have made me ashamed of having health problems, and so...

I just don't know what's left to do. I kind of just want to withdraw from school and go home for a while until I'm not so fucking ill, or at least not feeling it, my dis-ease interfering, all the time.

le sigh.

Jan. 31st, 2009



Compassion is not religious business, it is human business, it is not luxury, it is essential for our own peace and mental stability, it is essential for human survival

- Dalai Lama

Clean room.

My room is clean and it pleases me immensely.

I wish the rest of the apartment would just clean itself. I had a party last night and now the kitchen looks like it exploded.

Dec. 1st, 2008


(no subject)

Mother, I made it up from the bruise on the floor of this prison.
Mother, I lost it, all of the fear of the Lord I was given.
Mother, forget me, now that the creek drank the cradle you sang to.
Mother, forgive me, I sold your car for the shoes that I gave you.

So may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten;
Sons can be birds taken broken up to the mountain.

- "Upwards Over the Mountain," Iron and Wine (Creek Drank the Cradle)

Sorry for the stream-of-consciousness emotional vomit that is to follow.

What is it about mothers and their ability to destroy their children, single-handedly, without any thought about it?

I forgot to bring back a nice skirt to wear for juries. I wrote it down in my planner, but I didn't check my planner while I was home over the break, who knows why. I guess I just didn't feel like checking it. I guess that's my fault for not worrying about my school work while I was on vacation. I know I should worry about it more. I guess I should.

I called my mother this morning to ask her if she would go look in my closet and see if I had anything to wear. I didn't know why I called. Moms usually have good solutions, answers for their kids when things go wrong. Mom usually helps me out, mails me things. I appreciate that, I am indebted to her for that.

She told me I had some black skirts she could send. I suppose I was a little wishy-washy and difficult, because I didn't know which skirt would be most appropriate, in a bit of a panic, but I didn't think I was being beligerent. (I don't know how to spell that word.)

She asked me why I didn't think of this when I was home, why I didn't get them while I was here, don't I think about these things? The usual. I got a little angry. I shouldn't have raised my voice, but I did.

I told her that I tried my best. I wrote it down in my planner so that I would remember. (She has been telling me for five years "Write things down". I suppose I hoped this would pacify her. It did not.) I just didn't check my planner, I don't know why. But I do try. I am trying.

No, you aren't, she said.

I didn't hear anything after that because I hung up.

I emailed her to apologize for hanging up. I reiterated my prior points. I am hard enough on myself without anyone else adding to it, I said. I could ask someone to take me to the mall this weekend. If it was enough of an inconvenience for her that she felt compelled to lecture me, I would be happy to spare her that and get it myself. (I can get by.)

She emailed me back, and said that she wasn't angry, but that listening to her rant was my penance for her inconvenience.

I am not sure that she realizes what she's doing when she does that. Perhaps she really does believe that I just don't care enough to make an effort about these things. Perhaps she really does believe that when bad things happen, I just expect other people to clean up after me and to float on by.

What do I tell her? That I didn't go to my afternoon classes today because after I started crying in the girl's bathroom, I couldn't stop? That when I left my phone charger in that hotel room, I was so lucky that V was here because otherwise I would have just destroyed myself like I always do? That when I misplaced my folder of music because I had been practicing on Monday, I cried through 30 minutes of my voice lesson on Tuesday? That the last time I lost an ID card, I fought the urge to self-injure all day and didn't take a bath that night because I was truly afraid that I wouldn't be able to keep from drowning myself in the dark?

I wouldn't do this to myself if I could avoid it. I know some of that must seem like an overreaction to most of you, but you have to understand that I have been losing and misplacing things my entire life. I have been deemed irresponsible by more people than I can even begin to say. And everything that I have lost, misplaced, inadvertently kept when I borrowed, haunts me. Those materials I never mailed back to RM, that I didn't vote because I didn't send off for my ballot in time, the $200 in fraternity fees I owe, the $5 in library fees and the $20 I meant to give to Josh yesterday for driving me back to school. The four German tests I have yet to make up, the countless things I've forgotten to study for, every bad grade. Every rehearsal I forgot, every time I was late, every absence because I didn't do my homework.

I don't think she has any idea. I know she has good intentions. She wants me to be reliable. What do I say? "By the way, Mom, my AD/HD makes me suicidal. Thanks for caring."

Or does she just lecture me because it makes her feel better? Because it makes her feel like she's done her job as a mother? Because maybe if she just preaches and prays enough it will repair my dysfunctional brain and she won't be inconvenienced with it any more?
I don't believe that she would be that selfish.

V handles it all so well. He tells me it's okay, he starts looking for solutions, he provides comfort and forgiveness, he tries not to let me suffer needlessly. He assures me that we will find answers.
I wish I could just go to him and have things taken care of. To be taken care of myself. So that I am not indebted to my mother for all the times she has begrudgingly taken it upon herself to 'bail me out'.

Even though I don't need bailing out, because I haven't done anything wrong.

I know that even if V and I get married and I work through grad school and don't go back to my mother during times like this, I will still be in her debt. She gave me my life. She nearly died when I was born, she fought to keep me living. She's kept me in clothes, food, shelter, and care all my life. I am grateful for all that she has done, but right now I am angry that I will never be able to shake the power she has over me, because I will always feel that I owe her something for all that she's given me.

That, I guess, is why mothers are so good at being destructive. I bet the pup don't even dare to complain when dogs eat their young.

- A

Oct. 29th, 2008


Oh... Wow.

I'm a really good singer.

Oct. 9th, 2008



I don't really have anything to post about, but we were all talking about LiveJournal tonight, so I thought I would write something in this dusty journal...

I'm pretty happy, on the whole. A little behind in German, but my other classes are going well. I am not too stressed out this semester. My boyfriend is helping me to stay on top of things by helping me establish and reach little goals -- keeping my dishes cleaned up, studying German for an hour each day, and so on. Small things that I think I can handle. It helps to have specific things to focus on, one at a time, so I can establish good habits instead of being overwhelmed by all there is to do.

I just have to remember to take things one day, one hour, one moment at a time.

It was good to go out with friends for a little while tonight. I don't usually connect well with other girls, so... I really value my female friendships, even if I have a hard time knowing how to maintain them.

I have a real need to be loved and well-liked. It is pretty lame to be a person who truly needs to be liked, but know that so many people don't really like you. Or at least, not enough to hang out on Saturday.
Lots of people who will say 'hi' in the hallway. Even some people who will stop to chat. Nobody calls, though. I think the only time my phone rings is if my mom needs to tell me something...

How depressing!

It doesn't really sadden me until I go out with people and remember how much I miss loving and being loved by friends. I am not really the clingy type, which might make some people think I don't care... I definitely do.

This is not a beg for sympathy or friend-time. Just making observations. I am not sure why I have a hard time hanging out with people or being friends -- maybe I just need to be more outgoing? Invite people over or something? Throw a party...?
I really don't know how people do that.

Oh well. I hope my boyfriend will come to see me soon.


Aug. 16th, 2008


Less stuff

I am making an effort to un-clutter myself somewhat. I have just gone through my closet and pared down my personal articles of "wearable" clothing (meaning I am excluding things like costumes, formal dresses, and commemorative t-shirts which I must keep for various reasons) to about 50 items. Very difficult.

But I feel like I am making headway. I plan to go shopping this weekend and pick up a single black jacket to replace several black jackets in my wardrobe. Then I am going to try to find a brown blazer to replace two other brown outerwear items (a hoodie and a blazer I never wear). Small steps, but it's something. A little closer to having LESS STUFF.

I am still on the look out for jeans and long skirts. I am sure that I will have to go through this list again and get rid of other clothes that I don't really "need".

After I finish in my closet, I think I am going to try to tackle my sock and underwear/pj drawer. I am a confessed lingerie-and-sock-a-holic, so that'll be especially difficult. At least I think I will be able to get rid of things with holes...

I have been making a list of what I have on notebook paper. Somehow, that helps me to get rid of things. "Do I want to mark this one down? No, I never wear it. What about this one? No, it doesn't fit. I WILL write down this thing, though." For some reason, having to mark it down on paper makes it easier to judge the item's actual worth to me.

Next I think I will go through my jewelry and see if I can consolidate it some. I have a lot of earrings and various shiny trappings that I never wear. I keep them by telling myself "I might want it someday for a costume or a weird outfit", but I have had them for years and haven't done that so far.

This has been surprisingly difficult. I hadn't realized I was so attached to my stuff. I am honestly panicking a little bit at the thought of eliminating so many items. That stuff cost MONEY and I've had it for SO LONG -- but it's usefulness is limited or eliminated. Sad, but true.

Any thoughts?

Jun. 11th, 2008


(no subject)

Images and comments behind the cut.
Here we go!Collapse )

Jun. 9th, 2008



I is puppy-sitting. He is extremely cute. ^^

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